It has been a challenge to communicate with our family and friends through the pandemic. Tensions may be high because we are around the same people every day or we are feeling lonely due to social restrictions. Let’s all start by taking a deep breath and reminding ourselves that we are in this together and that we are not alone with our feelings. When communicating with your family and friends, use the following "navigation" tips:
Speak for yourself. Communication often breaks down or turns into conflict when one person unknowingly criticizes the other person. For example, "Mom, there's nothing in the house to eat." Although the complaint is rarely meant literally, it points at mom's ability to keep food on hand. When the comment is changed into a statement about yourself, this usually represents more honest communication. A statement such as, "I sure like it when you buy those crackers" would not be critical. We call these "I" statements.
A common format for "I" statements looks like the following: I feel/I think/I believe _________ when you ________ because ____________. "I" statements may also look like: When you (behavior), I feel ______________. Some other examples include: "When you speak loudly, I feel like you are angry with me," instead of "Why are you so angry?!" AND "When you raise your voice, I feel like I'm backed into a corner," instead of "Quit backing me into a corner!" Another communication tip to calm conflict: avoid the use of "always" and "never." When commenting on another person's behavior, adding "always" or "never" usually puts your listener on the defensive. It will escalate the conflict rather than resolve it.
Listen. When having a conversation with a friend or family member, we can sometimes get caught up in planning our next comment or question instead of actually hearing the other person! Active listening requires care and attention. To become better listeners and communicators, we need to focus, confirm, and respond.
First, focus your attention on the speaker. Let the person know that you are listening. You can do this nonverbally by nodding and making eye contact. You can also show that you are focusing by not doing something else while the person is talking and by not interrupting. Confirm what you are hearing. You can do this by repeating parts of what the person says or by summarizing what's been said. Respond to the speaker in some way to show that you have heard and understood what has been said. You can ask questions, make comments, or continue the conversation. If you need to have a difficult conversation with a friend or family, try to reserve time to have it in-person or using an online platform like Zoom or Skype.
Validate their feelings. Show your friend/family member that you can and empathize with them by reflecting on the things they tell you. For example, if your daughter or son is going through a rough time at school, show that you care by saying something simple, such as "That sounds difficult. How can I help?" Show interest in and acknowledge their experience or feelings, share how you feel, show gratitude for their vulnerability, and be encouraging and supportive. Don't pressure your friend/family member to share if they have trouble communicating their experience or feelings out loud. Instead, pay attention to their nonverbal cues. Nonverbal communication refers to everything that is unspoken in conversation. This can include body language and posture, eye contact and facial expressions, etc. If their posture is slumped and arms are crossed, they may feel upset and not ready to talk.
Take a pause. It can be easy to lose sight of a conversation (and our emotions) when things get heated. If both parties are upset, agree to take a break and come back when calm and ready to talk. During your pause, count to ten, go for a slow walk, or practice taking deep breaths. Pausing an escalated conversation can prevent us from saying things in the heat of the moment that we will regret later. If a conversation turns sour, recognize how you contributed to any miscommunication or conflict and apologize. Apologizing does not diminish you or your character, but highlights your awareness of mistakes and may encourage the other party to apologize as well.
Put words into motion. Communication can sometimes feel staged and uncomfortable. Instead, plan to talk while doing something fun! Find an activity everyone enjoys and carve out some time to do it together. Cooking, hiking, or walking are all great options for facilitating conversations. Keep your distance and wear a mask/face covering if you are planning an activity with someone outside your home. For families, conversations during dinner are a great opportunity to let everyone check in and share how they are doing. Check out these fun dinner ideas for your next family meal! If you want to have a conversation about an uncomfortable topic with your child(ren), find a movie, TV show, or YouTube video that features the topic and watch it together. After, ask them to share what they thought of the clip and open a dialogue about the subject.
Page contributions by: Betsy Rodriguez, B.S. (University of Arizona MEZCOPH Alumnus)
